I’m back 

Becoming a mother is one of the most beautiful experiences you can have. I mean that’s what we see everyday on social media and that’s what they make you believe , but only a few of us moms can actually say how it really is ! Now don’t get me wrong when saying this my children are my pride and joy but during the process I lost myself a little bit ! 

Before I had the twins I had everything under control my image, my brain even my hygiene ! I was comfortable in my own skin my mental health was remarkably “sane” everything was fine ! Then they showed up I remember the first time I got to meet them it was the most beautiful day of my life just like when I met my daughter for the first time ! I had everything under control the house was clean , the bills were paid dinner was made , I was A-okay! What happened after 3 months was I lost complete control of everything although this is embarrassing I had stopped taking care of me , I could spend sometimes 4 days without showering , I didn’t feel like cleaning the house , I didn’t feel like taking care of myself I lived to take care of the babies and my daughter . I felt like I lost my fucking mind literally, I felt alone and in prison in my body , my mind and my self image. This lasted over a year , I could go to the grocery store and feel perfectly fine and then just out of the blue I felt like breaking down , tears in my eyes just wanting to burst out at any given moment . When that happened I would rush to the cash and get out as fast as I can , I’m a very social person and I always smile at people but I had developed a fear of being in public . It got worst when driving my daughter to school I would look at the other moms who had it all figured out and I was the one who was always running around like a chicken with no head ! Even my relationship was going down the drain I was exhausted emotionally, physically, I didn’t feel like doing anything. I know what your thinking “post-partum depression” who was am I kidding of course it was . I thought going back to work would make me feel better but no I felt out of place , and working in the health field taking care of the elderly and not being able to take care of them like I wanned killed it for me , so I quit ! I changed jobs I started working for schools which is a breath of fresh air but the female dynamic is terrible ! Working with women is and can be emotionally and psychologically draining , they are mean ( some of them) actually most of them and always competing with one in other . Unfortunately I let that affect me little too much I spent a lot of nights not sleeping well and I was stressed of going to work the next day . See I was bullied from elementary all threw high school and I promised myself that never again I would allow someone to bring me down , I would fight back but in a work environment you have to keep your mouth shut in order to keep your job right ? 

Well this was my wake up call this morning I woke up and I decided it was enough ! I am going to be ME again the amazing mom, the strong woman that I am , the responsible adult , the go getter that I always was and I’m going to take care of me because I am important ! From now on I’m going to treat people the same way they treat me no more nice girl I refuse to go down that road again and I refuse to have the minimum given to me I will not have it ! I’m done feeling sorry for myself , I’m done not taking care of myself , I’m going to be the same kind giving soul that I am but with people who deserve my kindness ! Thanks for reading I will keep you posted ! 
Tiffany Barba 

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